I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
