So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
