First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
