had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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