My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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