i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
