Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
