I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize