I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
