I murdered the dance floor call the cops
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
