Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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