i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
