Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
