My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
