She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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