btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
