My liver just broke up with me...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
