hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
