i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize