bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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