I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
