Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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