Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
it's like heaven, but drunker
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I want a musical about memes.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
