I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
