I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
