If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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