new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
