I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
