this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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