He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
