i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
