tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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