She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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