This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
