Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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