so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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