just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I will be naked everywhere
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
