Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
