I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
