Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
