How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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