How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
