honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
