I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
