I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
