if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
