I wish I only lived at night.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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