my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i love accidental penises.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
