Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize