so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
