god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
