hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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