I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
