i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
