It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
