and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
