my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
