When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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