Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
