He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
